Choosing Self-sabotage

I truly believe that when you are ready to listen, things present themselves that speak to you. Like accidentally finding the perfect blog post or tweet that it exactly what you needed to read. this has happened to me twice in the last week.

Firstly, I came across a Michelle Bridges 12wbt video this evening about self-sabotage. It started me thinking about the journey I am taking, and the difficulties I am having. Lately I have been putting only fifty percent effort into my health and running. I have been tired and only fitting in one or two exercise sessions per week and eating well during the day and struggling in the evenings. My intentions have been in the right place, but my actions are telling a different story.

I am making excuses. I am sabotaging my success.

Secondly, I am a regular follower of Gisele Gambi's Personal Coaching Facebook page. Her words of wisdom always resonate with me. She is an insightful and spiritual person and she has the ability to get to the deep core of an issue with such ease and love.

Gisele talks a lot about choice, and being aware of what you are choosing. When things do not go to plan, have you actually been choosing what you thought you were choosing, or was it something else entirely? While on one level I believe that I want to run and have my running goals planned out, I do not believe I am choosing to succeed in my running.

Whenever I attempt to work my way towards a goal, something always happens to ensure that I almost don't make it. Whatever the goal is, or was, I can find struggle, crisis after crisis, or simply getting behind in my work or plan, finding small reasons to halt my progress until it is almost too late.

I am choosing to struggle. I am choosing to fail. All my choices, whether food or exercise related are largely aimed at giving me an excuse not to be successful. I ate too much last night so there is no point going for a run.I know what I should do, I know what I wan tot do, so why don't I do it?

Having a honest and hard look at myself, I came to the conclusion that I don't believe that I can succeed.

And when you don't believe that you can, you go a long way to ensure that you won't.

The video and the posts I have read this week have given me an insight into what I have been doing. Maybe I was just ready to listen, but I now know that I need to re-examine my beliefs about myself and get them in line with my goals. I don't yet know how, but I know a shift is needed.

Week 2 overview

Week 2 is nearly over and it has been a bit of a hard week- nearly over meaning I have two workouts and two and a half days of eating to go. I'll have a whinge, then I'll tell you all the good things that are happening.

This week I have been so tired, I'm not sure whether its the lack of calories or the daily exercise, but my body is tired. I feel fine at the gym and work hard, but I'm just lacking energy. I have considered putting my calories up and changing to a maintenance nutrition plan, but ideally I would like to lose a couple of kilos. I'm unsure what to do, but as a precaution I am ensuring that I have protein shakes following my workouts. At least then I can replenish my tired muscles.

Work has also been different this week, I am by myself as the others are on holidays. This is only hard as I don't have any other adult conversation in my day. I get home and its just me and the kids. Last night when I met my partner for dinner, it was really the only adult conversation I had had since the weekend. Thanks god for the internet!

Now I'll stop my moaning and tell you all the good things! Firstly, I am stronger than two weeks ago. I could only do four push ups on my toes, now I can do 8 with my feet raised to knee height. I have also increased my weights on most of my exercises, and I have increased the resistance on the Cross Trainer. My clothes are feeling more comfortable and my waistline feels like it is shrinking. Even after 2 weeks I feel more toned, a little more muscular. I haven't lost weight, I've gained 100g, but this is really nothing. My body composition feels like it is changing, and that's exactly what I want.

Weekend and Super Saturday Session (aka Super Sore Sunday), I'm facing you head on!

Week 1 TGIF

What a week, I'm really getting into this 12wbt, enjoying the food and exercise, feeling good about my progress and enthusiasm. I feel quite empowered, just because I am making good choices. I know that I am progressing forwards, so I have none of that usual guilt about not exercising or guilt about the food I am eating. I have been a little hungry, so I am watching what I snack on and making sure they fill me up.

I have also found it really helpful to document my workouts at the gym each day. The 12wbt program shows a range of weights, but to ensure that I am working at my hardest and heaviest, I have a record of the last weight I used. Then each time I try to increase the weight or the reps to get the most out of my workout. Its seems to work much better than just "remembering" or winging it at the time.

So, today being Friday, I have today and tomorrow's workouts to go before I can rest for the weekend. Tomorrows Super Saturday Session looks very scary! I'm defineitely not looking forward to that!

Scary weights!!

Change to change

Day 2 of 12wbt and I seem to be doing ok. Last night was the hardest part so far hard as I was starving when I went to bed and could not stay sleep. It was mostly due to hunger but also because of the nerve pain from my shingles on my face. It was driving me crazy. I managed to scratch the hell out of my eye and forehead and needed to take painkillers and phenergan at 230am. This morning I was exhausted!

My day was really busy and I could tell by mid-morning that I would not make the gym by 1230pm as planned. Now, I usually have lunch after the gym, but today it was getting too late. I was really hungry, but knew if I had lunch first I may have ditched the gym. The usual excuses "I'll do it later" started entering my thoughts, "I'm too tired", then "I'm so hungry, I'll have something different, I'll buy a healthy sandwich, its more carbs but so what". Now, none of these would be unreasonable, I was tired, I was hungry, I was running late. Presented with these thoughts it suddenly hit me.

If I want my body to change, I have to change.

If I want to change, I have to change what I do.

Sounds simple, but it was a lightbulb moment. I thought, if not now, when? Why keep making excuses? Don't do it tomorrow, do it today. Just f***ing do it. JFDI.

So I did.

I went to the gym, even though I was a little hungry. I didn't effect my workout.
I bought a simple salad with protein, similar to what was on the menu for dinner tonight.
I will eat my chicken noodle soup for dinner.
Despite my busy day, I managed to stick to the program.

I'm guessing that I make a lot of excuses, which is why I struggle to reach my goals. If I can work this out on Day 2 of the program, I am eager to see what else will come up in the following weeks. Hoepfully I can meet those challenges head on, too.

I'm really excited!

12wbt- Round 2

Round 2 of the 12wbt starts tomorrow, 13th May. I registered for last round but became terribly sick with shingles and was pretty much in bed for about 5 weeks. Needless to say I did not finish. So, with a lot of thought as to whether or not I could go it alone, I decided I needed the support of others from the forums, so I signed up.

Part of the program is completing the preseason tasks, and one of the most important is to make a commitment to the program and to others around you. Ive told the most important people- I told my partner I would not be drinking and would be concentrating on my diet and exercise for 3 months. I asked my mother not to buy snacks for the kids or packaged frozen foods because I will be watching what I we all eat (and if its there I am likely to eat their food!). My sister in law mentioned 12wbt this morning and I told her I was doing it. So, basically, the important people know. Here's my commitment, out loud:

I am committing to following the 12wbt Lean and Strong program for the duration of the program. I am also committing the next 6 months to achieve my goals of obtaining the body that I want, one that reflects me as a personal trainer, the one that I have always wanted. I commit to working on my mind and my self-esteem which is getting in the way of me achieving my gaols and dreams. Most importantly, I commit to completing Round 2. If something happens along the way I will deal with it and keep going.

The best thing is at the end of 6 months, I'm planning on taking the kids to Bali. That's incentive to stick to the program and see what I can look like in a bikini next summer. Nothing worse than getting all suited up in a new bikini and feeling like a beached whale.

Bali Holiday 2011

It all starts tomorrow. I feel like the possibilities are endless!

9km done and dusted!

Yesterday I was worried about achieving my goal of 9km (or rather following the 12wbt half marathon running program). But today, with a few minor setbacks, I did it!

I woke up this morning and it was pissing pouring down. Typical! The same thing happened a few weeks ago when I signed up for the 7km Sun Run- that day I stayed in bed. Today, with time on my side, I waited a couple of hours until about 1030am. Then off I went. Sometimes I am really worried about whether I will make the distance, but this morning, for whatever reason, it did not enter my mind.

I have done the track before and measured it on my GPS so I knew where the 9 km mark was. All was going well. I used a few little tricks to get my mind of the running, i.e. timing myself from one landmark to the next. I estimated that I was more than half way there, and the track suddenly ended with a sign "path under construction, due to reopen in 2014". I loved that path! Tranquil, in the bush, no cars in sight! The only thing I could do was  turn around and run back the way I had come.

At that point I had to change tack and measure my run in time rather than distance. The actual program says "60imns or 9km run", so it became a clock-watching episode. And for me there is nothing worse. Time goes so slowly when you are in pain (a little exaggeration, but I was a little slower and sorer than at the start). My podcasts were helping, I find these much better to listen to than music because it gives me a story to concentrate on, rather than to tune out which is what happens with music.

60 minutes finally came, and even though I have no idea what actual distance I ran, I achieved what I set out to achieve- to be able to complete the long run of the Week 1 half marathon program. Only 11 weeks to go!

Rx

12 (wbt) reasons.....

12 (wbt) reasons why I could cry right now…..



1.       I had my before photos for the Michelle Bridges 12wbt taken this morning.

2.       I felt embarrassed about the photos

3.       I am now heavier than when I was pregnant

4.       I felt ashamed about my behavior that has resulted in the image of me in the photos

5.       I kept thinking about the photos all day, and therefore,

6.       I kept being reminded of what I have not done recently (ie Enough Exercise)

7.       I know the next 12 weeks are going to hurt

8.       Knowing I deserve the next 12 weeks to hurt

9.       Knowing that I am going to have to pull out some extreme resilience to get through the next 12 weeks

But also….



10.   Knowing that in 12 weeks time I can feel very differently

11.   Knowing that it is going to take a lot more tears to feel and look differently

12.   Knowing it is up to me to change, it is my responsibility for where I am now, and it is my responsibility for where I end up.

Despite feeling like crying, I am also excited about the possibilities of what the next 3 months could bring. There is a ray of hope.

Rx